I don’t believe in miracles…Adios!

I don’t believe in miracles nor signs and wonders.

At least not in the general world view where they can be summoned using money and political muscle. However, I do believe in the small breakthroughs which do not make it to the silver screen. They may not be big bucks but somehow they have impacted me over the past 12 months.

2013 is one year that I would want to forget due to betrayal and disappointments by some who would be regarded as the light in the society. It has been a year full of ups and downs and one that has turned out to be the biggest test of faith in God and myself.

I look back and see all the unaccomplished goals and I want this to be a closed chapter that I never have to write again. I remember all the aborted plans, the near misses, unfulfilled promises and broken hearts.

Faith is not easy and taking the next step in a dark stairwell is like walking in a spider webbed passageway for one with morbid fear of spiders. But, getting to the other end is the determining factor of conquering that fear.

So, I will keep walking, a step at a time and one foot after the other till I get home. My ‘alone-ness’ through this period has taught me that it is my resolve to stay alive that will either make or break me. I have severally been lonely in multitudes and happiest in my solitude. It’s the biggest paradox in my pursuit of happiness.

This is why I will not be beady eyed about miracles, signs and wonders happening in my life. I have been on a treacherous path learning patience and living one day at a time. It has not been easy.

I have given up many times than I breath in a day but my hope and faith have held- more like surviving several feet down in the ocean in a submarine. That has kept me going.

Life has not been easy but I’m not child’s play. I will dance to the wind blowing in my ears and I will hold my breath for as long as it takes. I have learnt that life will honour he who honours it and ebb away from they that won’t hold it dear. I am holding on for this is precious.

I have learnt wonderfully invaluable lessons and I can also attest to the lifeline that joy-however short-lived- hands us time and again. I am grateful for the friends who can see beneath the smile and tell me it’s gonna be alright.

Personally, I am thankful for those tears in the rain, the heartaches and the pain. They have taught me how to be strong in adversity and how to stand even when the ground below me is trembling. Those who’ve stood with me through it all, I count it all joy. 

I have held together because of God in every individual He sent my way. Sometimes we worry too much and pull tomorrow’s clouds over today’s sunshine. I have done that severally losing the beauty of today, here and now to the unknowns of tomorrow. I know I can’t make a single strand of my hair white or black, neither can I move back the sands of time. But, I can have the best from and for me by living and savouring every single moment I experience.

The year has come to an end albeit on a kind of low. It has not been the best but I am grateful all the same. I’ve made friends, lost some who never should have been in my life and also learnt a number of lessons which cannot be gained any other way but by experience.

With this under my belt, I am ready for 2014. I look forward to conquering.

©2013

 

The worst Cliff Hangers …

… but I never gave up.

The year is fast coming to an end and I feel like I’ve been operating in a zombie mood.

In the daily rush of making it, I have often missed the birds sing, failed to smell the roses and also failed to see the stars shine in a cloudless sky.

I feel like that this has been my worst year, in terms of missed goals, but the best in terms of experiences. I have been betrayed and I’m still standing. This has proven to me that I still got what it takes to keep it together. It takes more than a word to break the mettle and resolve of this village boy who grew up in a remote village but who loved reading for fun.

As far back as I can remember, in a place and a home where a newspaper was a luxury, any opportunity to go to the shop was welcome as the shopkeeper- a Mr. Njoroge-would wrap the cooking fat in a newspaper. This I would read and it often hurt to get to the point where the story was cut off… those were the worst cliff hangers I had to live with then.

It was a small but ideally sweet world where everything was well taken care of. I had the best childhood which I could not change for anything. We may not have had much but ours was a closely knit family where care and concern was the factor that bound us together.

I love Hymns and this love was spawned around the hearth where we would sing almost all evenings. We also read from the Bible and I remember that my mother tongue was nurtured then as I used to love reading. I would read every single written thing including the verse numbers which allowed me to perfect the skill of public reading.

Looking back, the progress I’ve made today is founded on those very humble beginnings and innocence. Today, I can stand before a crowd and eloquently speak, I can start and sustain a conversation and I also can be quiet when it is necessary.

This year has been one of several trials, ‘aborted giving up’ and also one where I’ve learnt that not many things go unnoticed. There are friends who will see through your pain and be the best support, there are strangers who will just smile at you and when you smile back, you get a refreshing moment.

My biggest lesson has been that we’re made to complete each other. We’re to keep picking each other up and to maybe just be silently involved to make life better for others and ourselves. Sometimes being quiet we speak the loudest and for those who know the secret of golden silence, then it is a virtue that cannot be underestimated.

I will be quiet at those I love not because I’m angry but because in quietness they’ll experience the best of me.

And so, when my newspaper stories were cut short, I learnt to create the endings that would make it a happy one. I also have learned that it is the questioning nature that gets us the answers we need and before the cat dies, the curiosity will have addressed and dealt with the questions it has.

However the ending, all the experiences from 2013 have prepared me for 2014.

This is the year that the beauty of persistence, passion and mended heart will all be seen.

I am grateful that I have stood.